
Many times as a Pastor you can get caught off guard by the craziest things. Life is never normal for you and a million things can happen. You need to be prepared for everything and I am here to help you deal with hard situations you might find yourself in…hope you enjoy.
1. You are preaching and in the middle of it you loose your train of thought…
All of us pastors have been there. Maybe it was the door opening, a brain fart, that child that wouldn’t stop screaming, someone passing out. Or that tangent you started speaking on, but forgot the point of it. In any case don’t fret, don’t fear, here is what you can do.
A. Pretend your getting choked up. Take a minute, put your fist to your mouth, look like your fighting back tears, and say nothing. Everyone will be amazed, and ponder your brilliant thought. Meanwhile, you can think to yourself….where in the heck was I going with that. The great thing is the longer you do this, the better the next thing will seem to everybody.
B. Check the clock, if you are within 10 min either way say, “Jesus loves you and died for you, lets pray.”
2. You get asked to do the invocation at an event you are attending.
We have all been there, you are just at the football game to watch people hit each other, or your at that fund-raiser to support someone, or whatever, and now someone whispers in your ear, do you mind doing the invocation? What in the world are you supposed to say, “NO! CANT YOU SEE MY FAMILY, I AM HERE TO WATCH A GAME. I AM OFF THE CLOCK!” Don’t say that.
A. But have no fear here is a simple mad-lib type prayer for invocations, write it down and keep it in your wallet with you always. Everyone will be impressed.
Dear Heavenly Father, Have your hand over __(Noun)__. We are so thankful for your blessing and everything you have given us. I pray that __(the event)__ will be successful and that you will ___(bless the food/keep safe/keep watch)__ the __(noun)__. We thank you and love you. In Jesus Name, Amen. __(Play Ball/Let’s Eat/Thank you)__.
3. You are at a dinner party and someone asks what you do, after saying your a pastor, they say, “Oh that’s nice.” as they look around the room for an escape and the conversation gets really, really awkward.
We have all been there, maybe the people don’t go to church, maybe they expect you to preach at them, maybe they don’t know what to say next. They don’t want to leave but don’t want to stay either. Whatever the case, there are ways out of awkward conversations. In these ways you will look either crazy, or uber cool…your choice.
A. If you have a drink, spill it. I don’t care if its grape soda on that Persian rug. Spill it, that would be less awkward. Everyone will turn to autopilot cleaning, you apologize for being clumsy and the conversation will be over. And then you could say something cliche at the end like, well Jesus spill his blood for you.
B. If you have a cell phone act like your getting a phone call… say, “It’s Jesus and he want’s to talk, sorry but I got to go.” The person won’t say anything…trust me.
C. If you don’t want an out, just sit there…quiet. Scientifically there is only so much awkward a person can take, see who’s bar is higher, yours or theirs. So just stop talking, it will get awkward, and eventually one of you will break and say something, or just walk away. The conversation ends, and you didn’t have to end it.
D. Ask them who they voted for in the last election. Because that would be less awkward.
4. Your preaching and all-of-a-sudden you realize that your fly is down.
This has happened to me, and is the reason why I XYZ every time before I preach. Don’t freak out. Don’t panic. Don’t sit down… try these things:
A. Say, “Let’s pray.” The good thing in American culture everyone closes their eyes when they pray, zip-up and no one is the wiser.
B. If there is a cross behind you on the stage, turn to it and talk about it for a second, and tell the people to fix their eyes on it. With your back turned…you know what to do.
C. Face it, Like a Man. Tell the people whoops I’m sorry. Then use it as a sermon illustration. Try this one. Just like a zipper Jesus pulls us to God, connects us to the Lord, he closes the gap of our sin. Is Jesus your Zipper?
5.Your at the grocery store and your running late, you see that person who you know will take 30 minutes telling you about their life if you say hi…
Assuming that they haven’t seen you yet, you are still in the clear. This is a messy situation and you have to weigh the options: wife and family waiting on me, or pastoral care. Don’t worry you can achieve both. Here’s how.
A. Buy a wig. Keep it on you at all times. Use it in these situations and avoid being in close proximity with the person. The CIA uses disguises, why can’t you?
B. Keep shopping, but pretend your a twin. If the person says, “oh Hi Pastor.” Say oh that’s my twin brother, I am visiting from Fargo, I haven’t seen him in years, but I’ll tell him you say hi…flawless. Unless your family attends your service, and unless you are with your twin.
C. Run. Yup, those groceries are not necessary, or if they are, you could throw cash at a checker (make sure it’s enough), as you bolt out the door. That’s why I always keep a running tab on what I have in my cart.
D. Ask to meet with them. This is proactive thinking, go to them telling them you have been meaning to talk to them about something very important, you can’t talk in public about it, but can they come to your office Monday at 2pm? They will be so caught off guard and you can check out and get home to the family!
Until the next edition.
God Bless
In Him,
JC Elliott
PS if you can’t tell this is a completely tongue-in-cheek.